‘壹’ 英语问候语大全
Nice to meet you.（适用于第一次见面）很高兴见到你。
Nice to see you again.（适用于曾经见过，但不太熟的人）很高兴再次见到你。
How have you been?（适用于有一阵子没见面的朋友）你过得怎么样？
Long time no see.（适用于很久没见的朋友）好久不见。
How is it going?近况如何？
How's everything with you?
‘贰’ 有什么搞笑的英语开场白
当我遇到危险的时候打电话给911的时候，他问我：How are you?。想起了这熟悉的对话，我忘不了小学时老师的教育，我脱口而出：I'm fine,thank you ,然后我就继续处于危险当中了
‘叁’ 英语搞笑对白
英语笑话（一）
Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?
A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.
猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢？你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤，而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧？
Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?
A: By treading on his corn?
如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定会生气的；而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼，他会更生气。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”，也有“鸡眼”的意思。
Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?
A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.
因为snail（蜗牛）的后背上总是背着一所房子，所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的。你说呢？
Q: What do people do in a clock factory?
A: They make faces all day.
一看到make faces这个短语，你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀！因为除了这个意思以外，它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面。
Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?
A: Keep him awake.
怎样才能不让梦游者（sleepwalker）梦游（walk in his sleep）呢？最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。虽然这不是治疗方法，但如果让梦游者醒着呢，他的确就不会去梦游了。
英语笑话（二）
He is really somebody
-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.
-- He is really somebody. What does he do?
-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.
他真是一个大人物
-- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。
-- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的？
-- 墓地守墓人。
英语笑话（三）
Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.
At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."
它们是从美国直接带来的
一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久，到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台，银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票，看是否有假。
这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦，最后实在忍耐不住说：“相信我，先生，也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元，它们是从美国直接带来的。”
英语笑话（四）my little dog can't read
Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.
我的狗不识字
布朗夫人：哦，
亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！
史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！
布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。”
英语笑话（五）Bring me the winner
-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.
-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.
-- Well, bring me the winner then.
给我那个打赢的吧
-- 服务员，
这个龙虾只有一只爪。
-- 对不起，先生，这只肯定打过架了。
-- 哦， 那给我那个打赢的吧。
‘肆’ 急求！英语三分钟搞笑情景对话！！
The chicken with three legs
旁白：One day,a driver drives his car to a village.He drives very fast,but he see a chicken over him.
司机（独白）：What?! Is that chicken?Why it can run so quickly! It's not true!
旁白：After one hour,the drive meet a farmer.
司机（对话）：Excuse me,do you know the chicken that can runs very quickly?
农场主：Of couse! It's my chicken! Did you see it?
司机：Yeah,when I drove with 80 kilometers per hour,I saw it in advance of me.
农场主：Oh,it's my new invent.Because most of visiter like eating chicken, so I invented the chincken with three legs.
司机：Wow,so fantastic! Is it delicious?
农场主：Sorry,I don't know. Because I never catch them.
如果一个人演鸡大概四个人……一个比较讽刺的小短剧，可能有语法错误，抱歉只能做到这样
‘伍’ 求超级搞笑的英语打油诗！明天要用
1.一个中国人在英国目睹了一起车祸，由于他是唯一目击者所以警察只能询问英语水平并不高的他，回答如下
One car come one car go,Two car Dongdong(咚咚）One car die
2.Cheng，an ancient city of ancient China/Is called the KingdomofHeaven/A heaven to be deeply understood/A heaven ofvariousfood/Its got crunchy snacks/As well as spicy hot-pots/Whyits sohard for me/To put my comments all in words/Tke a pieceofLongchaoshou or Zhong Shuijiao/Theyll leave you anunforgettabletaste/As for Fuqifeipian and Dandanmian/……MapodoufuandHuiguorou/With time their names grow/Plus a Shuizhuyu, slicedfishin spicy sauce/ who can live without Sichuan food even hejusttastes it once！
译文：中国有个成都，号称天府之国。目光所及之处，美食琳琅满目。小吃回味悠长，火锅麻辣鲜香，川菜百味齐备，片语难以概全。龙抄手、钟水饺，吃后满嘴香飘绕。夫妻肺片、担担面，随处想吃随处买……最后拿出看家菜，麻婆豆腐、回锅肉，外加一盘水煮鱼，宁愿一辈子沉醉在川菜王国里！
3.WOMEN
by Marvin Yip.
If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
If you don't, you are not a man
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don't, you are good for nothing
If you agree to all her likes, she is abusing
If you don't, you are not understanding
If you make romance, you are an 'experienced man'
If you don't you are half a man
If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring
If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don't, you are a ll boy
If you are jealous, she says it's bad
If you don't , she thinks you do not love her
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her
If you don't, she thinks you do not like her
If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late, she says that's a girl's way
If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel
If she is visited by another, 'oh it's natural, we are girls'
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage
If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics
If you do, she thinks it's just one of the man's tactics
If you stare at other, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring
If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk
Oh God! you created those creature called "WOMAN'
So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
"O LORD, tell me what to do. AMEN"
吻她吧，不够君子
不吻吧，不象汉子
夸她吧，说你欺骗
不夸吧，嫌你笨蛋
顺她吧，你气管炎
不顺吧，解人不善
太浪漫，疑你老练
太规矩，你抻不展
常看她，招她厌烦
少去点，怨你猎艳
穿得好，说你花心
邋遢些，缺个心眼
吃醋吧，你太狭隘
大度点，说你不爱
求欢吧，不够尊重
安分呢，不够爱宠
你晚了，她等得烦
她晚了，女孩特权
你访友，是你堕落
她聚会，天性其乐
少亲她，你太冷淡
老亲她，便宜你占
过街不管，道德有缺憾
领着她走，男人耍手段
你看别人，是挑逗风情
别人看她，是仰慕佳艳
你要说话，她让你听着
洗耳恭听，她逼你开言
上帝啊！
为何拆我骨头造女人
简简繁繁
怯怯炎炎
我晕头转向
我魂萦梦牵
求你告我怎么办！
‘陆’ 简单搞笑的英语对话
Peter dozed off while his teacher was talking.
老师正在讲课，彼得打起瞌睡来了。
Teacher: Peter！Tell us, what's the biggest in the world?
老师：彼得！你说说，世界上什么最大？
Peter: Well, well....eyelids....
彼得: 嗯……嗯……眼皮……
Teacher: What？Eyelids？
老师：什么？眼皮？
Peter: Yes, sir. Because as soon as I shut my eyes, the eyelids cover everything of the world.
彼得：是的，老师。因为我眼睛一闭，眼皮就把世界上所有的东西都遮住了。
。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。
很简单
‘柒’ 送给英语老师的英语搞笑版祝福语
如下：
1、You are not only a good teacher but our close friend.Thank you for helping us make something of our lives.
您不仅是一位好老师，也是我们亲密的朋友，谢谢您帮助我们奋发有为。
2、You are like a third parent.We all love you and respect you.
您就像我们的家长，我们都敬爱您。
3、Wishing you a happy Teacher’s Day.
祝您有个愉快的教师节。
4、We wish to show our gratitude and thanks with a small gift.Happy Teachers Day!
我们送您一件小礼物，以表我们对您的感激之情。教师节愉快！
5、We all pitched to buy this gift.We are all grateful to you.Without your unselfish dedication could we achieve no success today.
这是我们买给您的礼物，谢谢您，老师。没有您无私的奉献，就不会有我们今天的成功。