『壹』 英語問候語大全
Nice to meet you.（適用於第一次見面）很高興見到你。
Nice to see you again.（適用於曾經見過，但不太熟的人）很高興再次見到你。
How have you been?（適用於有一陣子沒見面的朋友）你過得怎麼樣？
Long time no see.（適用於很久沒見的朋友）好久不見。
How is it going?近況如何？
How's everything with you?
『貳』 有什麼搞笑的英語開場白
當我遇到危險的時候打電話給911的時候，他問我：How are you?。想起了這熟悉的對話，我忘不了小學時老師的教育，我脫口而出：I'm fine,thank you ,然後我就繼續處於危險當中了
『叄』 英語搞笑對白
英語笑話（一）
Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?
A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.
猴子會和跳蚤有什麼不同呢？你可能會直接的想到它們倆是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以長跳蚤，而跳蚤身上卻不能有猴子。這個答案很有意思吧？
Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?
A: By treading on his corn?
如果你踩了農夫的玉米或是穀物，他肯定會生氣的；而如果你踩了農夫腳底的雞眼，他會更生氣。Corn既可以表示「玉米/穀物」，也有「雞眼」的意思。
Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?
A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.
因為snail（蝸牛）的後背上總是背著一所房子，所以說蝸牛是世界上最強壯的生物是不足為奇的。你說呢？
Q: What do people do in a clock factory?
A: They make faces all day.
一看到make faces這個短語，你可千萬別以為是在鍾表廠工作的人整天都做鬼臉呀！因為除了這個意思以外，它還可以從字面上解釋為製造鍾面。
Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?
A: Keep him awake.
怎樣才能不讓夢游者（sleepwalker）夢游（walk in his sleep）呢？最簡單的方法就是不讓他睡覺。雖然這不是治療方法，但如果讓夢游者醒著呢，他的確就不會去夢遊了。
英語笑話（二）
He is really somebody
-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.
-- He is really somebody. What does he do?
-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.
他真是一個大人物
-- 我叔叔下面有1000個人。
-- 他真是一個大人物。干什麼的？
-- 墓地守墓人。
英語笑話（三）
Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.
At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."
它們是從美國直接帶來的
一位中國老婦人在美國看望女兒回來不久，到一家市銀行存女兒送給她的美元。在銀行櫃台，銀行職員認真檢查了每一張鈔票，看是否有假。
這種做法讓老婦人很不耐煩，最後實在忍耐不住說：「相信我，先生，也請你相信這些鈔票。這都是真正的美元，它們是從美國直接帶來的。」
英語笑話（四）my little dog can't read
Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.
我的狗不識字
布朗夫人：哦，
親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！
史密斯夫人：可是你該在報紙上登廣告啊！
布朗夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認識字。」
英語笑話（五）Bring me the winner
-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.
-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.
-- Well, bring me the winner then.
給我那個打贏的吧
-- 服務員，
這個龍蝦只有一隻爪。
-- 對不起，先生，這只肯定打過架了。
-- 哦， 那給我那個打贏的吧。
『肆』 急求！英語三分鍾搞笑情景對話！！
The chicken with three legs
旁白：One day,a driver drives his car to a village.He drives very fast,but he see a chicken over him.
司機（獨白）：What?! Is that chicken?Why it can run so quickly! It's not true!
旁白：After one hour,the drive meet a farmer.
司機（對話）：Excuse me,do you know the chicken that can runs very quickly?
農場主：Of couse! It's my chicken! Did you see it?
司機：Yeah,when I drove with 80 kilometers per hour,I saw it in advance of me.
農場主：Oh,it's my new invent.Because most of visiter like eating chicken, so I invented the chincken with three legs.
司機：Wow,so fantastic! Is it delicious?
農場主：Sorry,I don't know. Because I never catch them.
如果一個人演雞大概四個人……一個比較諷刺的小短劇，可能有語法錯誤，抱歉只能做到這樣
『伍』 求超級搞笑的英語打油詩！明天要用
1.一個中國人在英國目睹了一起車禍，由於他是唯一目擊者所以警察只能詢問英語水平並不高的他，回答如下
One car come one car go,Two car Dongdong(咚咚）One car die
2.Cheng，an ancient city of ancient China/Is called the KingdomofHeaven/A heaven to be deeply understood/A heaven ofvariousfood/Its got crunchy snacks/As well as spicy hot-pots/Whyits sohard for me/To put my comments all in words/Tke a pieceofLongchaoshou or Zhong Shuijiao/Theyll leave you anunforgettabletaste/As for Fuqifeipian and Dandanmian/……MapodoufuandHuiguorou/With time their names grow/Plus a Shuizhuyu, slicedfishin spicy sauce/ who can live without Sichuan food even hejusttastes it once！
譯文：中國有個成都，號稱天府之國。目光所及之處，美食琳琅滿目。小吃回味悠長，火鍋麻辣鮮香，川菜百味齊備，片語難以概全。龍抄手、鍾水餃，吃後滿嘴香飄繞。夫妻肺片、擔擔面，隨處想吃隨處買……最後拿出看家菜，麻婆豆腐、回鍋肉，外加一盤水煮魚，寧願一輩子沉醉在川菜王國里！
3.WOMEN
by Marvin Yip.
If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
If you don't, you are not a man
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don't, you are good for nothing
If you agree to all her likes, she is abusing
If you don't, you are not understanding
If you make romance, you are an 'experienced man'
If you don't you are half a man
If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring
If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don't, you are a ll boy
If you are jealous, she says it's bad
If you don't , she thinks you do not love her
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her
If you don't, she thinks you do not like her
If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late, she says that's a girl's way
If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel
If she is visited by another, 'oh it's natural, we are girls'
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage
If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics
If you do, she thinks it's just one of the man's tactics
If you stare at other, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring
If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk
Oh God! you created those creature called "WOMAN'
So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
"O LORD, tell me what to do. AMEN"
吻她吧，不夠君子
不吻吧，不象漢子
誇她吧，說你欺騙
不誇吧，嫌你笨蛋
順她吧，你氣管炎
不順吧，解人不善
太浪漫，疑你老練
太規矩，你抻不展
常看她，招她厭煩
少去點，怨你獵艷
穿得好，說你花心
邋遢些，缺個心眼
吃醋吧，你太狹隘
大度點，說你不愛
求歡吧，不夠尊重
安分呢，不夠愛寵
你晚了，她等得煩
她晚了，女孩特權
你訪友，是你墮落
她聚會，天性其樂
少親她，你太冷淡
老親她，便宜你占
過街不管，道德有缺憾
領著她走，男人耍手段
你看別人，是挑逗風情
別人看她，是仰慕佳艷
你要說話，她讓你聽著
洗耳恭聽，她逼你開言
上帝啊！
為何拆我骨頭造女人
簡簡繁繁
怯怯炎炎
我暈頭轉向
我魂縈夢牽
求你告我怎麼辦！
『陸』 簡單搞笑的英語對話
Peter dozed off while his teacher was talking.
老師正在講課，彼得打起瞌睡來了。
Teacher: Peter！Tell us, what's the biggest in the world?
老師：彼得！你說說，世界上什麼最大？
Peter: Well, well....eyelids....
彼得: 嗯……嗯……眼皮……
Teacher: What？Eyelids？
老師：什麼？眼皮？
Peter: Yes, sir. Because as soon as I shut my eyes, the eyelids cover everything of the world.
彼得：是的，老師。因為我眼睛一閉，眼皮就把世界上所有的東西都遮住了。
。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。
很簡單
『柒』 送給英語老師的英語搞笑版祝福語
如下：
1、You are not only a good teacher but our close friend.Thank you for helping us make something of our lives.
您不僅是一位好老師，也是我們親密的朋友，謝謝您幫助我們奮發有為。
2、You are like a third parent.We all love you and respect you.
您就像我們的家長，我們都敬愛您。
3、Wishing you a happy Teacher』s Day.
祝您有個愉快的教師節。
4、We wish to show our gratitude and thanks with a small gift.Happy Teachers Day!
我們送您一件小禮物，以表我們對您的感激之情。教師節愉快！
5、We all pitched to buy this gift.We are all grateful to you.Without your unselfish dedication could we achieve no success today.
這是我們買給您的禮物，謝謝您，老師。沒有您無私的奉獻，就不會有我們今天的成功。